I think these are among the most significant words I have heard in a long time. They have so much meaning for me and come up so often in my life. Who gave me such amazing words of wisdom? It was my son Jared. Both of my sons are always giving me pearls of wisdom and ways to make my life better, happier, healthier, calmer, and most importantly more balanced.
There are times in my life over the last 15 years that I feel out of sync with family and friends. I don’t always feel like my old self or that I fit in or that my relationship or life is how I want it to be. All of the work I have been doing around acceptance and surrender helps with most of this. It is a matter of keeping check with my negative talk and all the shoulds in my life. We all have them. It is all our perceptions about our lives. Our perceptions are what cause our pain. As a coach, it is so easy for me to recognize this with my clients. When it is with me, there is always a check in or self-review that is needed to bring me out of that victim mentality.
There are times I see my self as the victim and I don’t think someone is treating me the way I would like to be treated. This is when those pearls of wisdom are so significant. When the victimhood sets in and the shoulds set in, it is the perfect time for me to say to myself: “Be the relationship you want to have!” It not only instantly pops me out of my victimhood; it supports me in taking responsibility for my actions. It shows me that I am at least as responsible for blame, if not more. It is so enlightening, so significant and has such potential for change.
We are all the co-creators of our lives and our stories and all the situations we find ourselves in. Being the victim is not realistic or valuable or an honest look at reality. It is a perception we have that is out of sync. It causes pain. It keeps us stuck.
This profound quote allows me to recognize that there are two sides to every situation and not only does the other person have their own desires and concerns and interpretations, but my actions effect how they respond as well as their actions effect how I respond.
When thinking on these lines, I find more compassion for how things are and find the healthy sense of objectivity that is needed to understand others and to see my role in how things are.
I find this so powerful. It is a wake up call for me for sure. Be the relationship you want to have is critical for those of us who are parents of grown children. In my business I hear all the time parents wanting better relationships with their children. I have been one of those parents as well. This is one of the foremost times that those words are so profound. If I desire my children to call me more and embrace me more or open up more: then I need to be the one to do those things first. If you wait around for those transformations to happen and originate from your children, you will be waiting forever. This is along the lines of “build it and they will come”, change your dance and they will change theirs. It is a process. Many steps forward and a few slides back. The choice is yours. Be the relationship you want to have.
Why not try this? What do you have to lose? I would love to hear how it goes. Please feel free to write and let me know.